I’ve just been going along trying to get my life in gear. Trying to find out what “normal” might look like for me. Its been up and down.
My transition back to work has been going well overall, but I am still battling my old habits while in the office: forgetting to take time out for me, forgetting to eat…things of that nature. God forbid someone witnesses me not working at work. WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN?!
I work in the office 2-3 days a week and from home the other days. Days at home I seem to do well. I wake up early, read a daily affirmation, say a prayer, meditate, take a sip of coffee, then do all of my physical therapy exercise. After that I work and take a break and go walk. And then on with my work day or medial appointments until the kids come home.
I’ve been taking things to heart lately. Small bits here and there:
My affirmation today read, “Obstacles are opportunities in disguise. Let me know them when I see them”. And that one was a doozy. I started crying. Boy, have I had a shitload of obstacles this year. And, yes as cheesy as it sounds each one was an opportunity. Maybe I’ll go deep and list them all in my next post.
An old friend sent me a picture of her and me from about 10 years ago. She said she was cleaning out her closet and it just fell down in front of her. It seemed to be telling her to reach out to me, so she did.
In the picture, we are the essence of health and youth and beauty (godammit, it was a really good picture of me). It was the ultimate realization of all that I have been through. I broke down. Its not that I am longing for that life again, but there is something to be said for living life innocently, without regard for or fear of mortality.
Just living life and having fun. That is something I’m not sure I can do again. I mean, I can live life and I can have fun, don’t get me wrong! But always in the back of my mind – even while doing karaoke at a bar or painting my toe nails- I am reminding myself to make my body a fighting machine. “I must stay strong, healthy and powerful to fight anything that may come my way, just in case”, my inner subconcious voice says…all the time. Its enough to make one cry.
Archer said something cute the other day, “there is a 50% chance that each minute of the day will either be good or bad”. We had a nice debate about this. I told him I agreed, but that overall it turns out that when you count up every moment at the end of the day and add them all together, the majority of them are good. “Therefore, life is good”, I said. He smiled. He seemed relieved and I made a mental note to never forget that conversation.
Eddie has been pure joy. I don’t know if its his age or a combination of my being more insightful and him maturing, but it has been a wonder just watching him laugh, smile, joke around and enjoy being a kid.
I think I’m definitely more lighthearted with the kids these days. Its nice to be that way. In fact, I had my first weekend solo with just them and me a couple weeks back. Of course, I woke up to two battling brothers and started yelling at 6:30am, but I turned it into a Christi kind of weekend.
We re-started with breakfast at Pete’s, then off with our scooters to the beach (while I walked), then parked it on the sand and collected shells. That night I got one of those unexpected hugs and an “I love you” while doing laundry.
Its been emotional to say the least. Stay tuned for a mammogram update next post.